Secret Cinema September 5th 2010
A sequel rarely lives up to its predecessor and Secret Cinema 2: Return of the Awful Audio (with Added Awful Picture) was no exception. It would be true to say I was a fan of the Blade Runner event (for a week before and a week after, anything to do with that night had this effect on me) so it seemed obvious to book tickets at lightning speed when they were announced.
Oh good God how I wished I'd waited.
The not-so-secret film was Lawrence of Arabia which to anyone would seem an odd choice of film from the outset. It's very (very) long and, although spectacular, isn't... isn't... exciting enough to entertain thousands of people. Especially thousands of people sitting on the floor in Alexandra Palace.
First, the good stuff. The lead-up and environment were, as at Blade Runner, great - we were greeted at Alexandra Park by goats, camels, hagglers and mysterious women, leading us towards the palace. We waited for a few minutes and then were taken into the venue in groups where a market had been set up along with a belly-dancing area and a desert. Yep, a desert. We had a couple of hours wandering around there before the film started at 7.30ish. All good so far and after some live music and a dramatic pre-show stage show the film began. And that's when it all started going wrong. So horribly horribly wrong.
For an event based around film, the film is, I’d say, a key part of the event and for such a cinematic film as Lawrence of Arabia it's kinda important to be able to see the film. This was problem number one. Although it's commendable they chose to project from film, it just wasn't bright enough - the opening scenes were invisible, the night scenes were shades of nothing and midday desert scenes looked like dusk. A fuck up of gigantic proportions.
Next: the sound. This was a whole other level of terrible - boomy audio that was out of sync and I defy anyone to enjoy any film shown at that quality; it’s impossible to engage with the film when it looks like it’s been dubbed. Badly. Yes, I know the venue is vast and so technically it's a challenge, but then why pick that venue?
Next: the timing. Why put on film that's so long the majority of people have to leave before it finishes to guarantee getting home? The exodus at the intermission proved it was a huge mistake. At £30 a ticket, £4 a drink and £5 a snack, you can't then expect people to pay for a taxi too. That, to me, is not a complicated thing to get right.
We go to these events to be part of the film and when the film is unwatchable it's a failure. Simple as that. People were leaving after 10 minutes and that's not a good sign.
So I wrote to Future Shorts with all this and here are the highlights of their response:
“Lawrence of Arabia is a cinema classic we feel deserved to be brought back to the big screen.”
What a shame we couldn't see it and the sound was crap, then.
“Bringing a quality cinema experience is of course paramount and we work with a team of experts to bring the best possible standards into these unconventional spaces. In a space like Alexandra Palace this is particularly challenging.”
Er... Why pick Alexandra Palace, then?
“Whilst more than the price of an average cinema ticket...”
Yeah, about three times as much just to get in the fucking door.
“Our audience join us by taking risks in challenging the conventional cinema experience...
Yep, but we'd all still rather be able to see the fucking film than to “challenge the conventional cinema experience”. Fuck off.
So basically their response is "thanks for pointing out what was wrong, but that's the way it is, fuck you". Which is kinda saying they don't really care about showing this "cinema classic" at its best at all and with 15,000 attendees paying £30 a ticket you would have expected they might take that into consideration.
For Secret Cinema the simple solution is to pick a venue that works as a cinema as well as an event space*. With Lawrence of Arabia they let the idea overshadow the film when it’s the film that’s important.
* Note to anyone from Secret Cinema or Future Shorts reading this: in case you're confused, film is an audio and visual experience. This means the acoustics of the venue can't be like an aircraft hanger and the light level needs to be low enough so the moving pictures can be seen.
